The Good Parent

As  a parent we want to do the best for our children. We want to make sure they are well suited for dealing with the world, that they are good people, happy, well-adjusted, follow the rules, care for others, that they will contribute to society...essentially we want them to go out and prove that we did a good job parenting them!

And yet what is good parenting? How do you learn to be a good parent? Go into any book store and you will find shelves filled with parenting manuals. Here are some actual titles:  The Happiest Baby on the Block (no pressure there!), 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children (Hmmm, what happens when you reach 4 and they still aren't listening?) and my personal favorite, Toilet Training in Less Than a Day (bwa-ha-ha!!!). These books seem to promise that there are easy, natural solutions to parenting that you're just too dumb to figure out on your own. 

But it is oh so tempting to believe that this is the case; that the issue you are currently working on with your child has an answer.  Find it and all will be well. 

The problem is that every child is different. So what works for one will be horribly ineffective with another. Then there are also other factors to take into account such as the time of day, how much sleep the child has had (or even more important, how much YOU have had) and not to forget where the child lies on the sugar rush continuum. Truth is, never have I felt more unskilled in life as I have at being a parent. I'm not saying that I think I'm bad at it... it's just that my sense of how good I am at it is as stable as Taylor Swift's latest relationship. 

Being a psychologist doesn't help either. In fact, I think it makes things worse! I was always second guessing myself and imagining my grown child maligning me to their therapist that I was a horrible dad cause x, y or z. I remember a story from my family (I won't name names, but you know who you are) where a cousin had to write a biography of her childhood for an education class. She wrote about how she hated the ice skating lessons her mother sent her to. She dreaded them and was glad when they were done. Cue in Mom reading this years later having thought she was doing something wonderful for her daughter only to realize that her loving gesture was setting her daughter up for a peptic ulcer.

I've now come to terms that no matter what I do, no matter how many books I read, how many Nanny 911 episodes I watch, that I will still screw up. It's inevitable. As a therapist I see client after client talking about their parents. Too authoritarian and they rebel and feel unloved. Too loving (yes, that's possible) and no limits, the client feels insecure in how to be in the world. Yes we can aim for that golden mean, but we will still do something that will scar a child for life. I myself have flashbacks to the time my father pushed my face into a bowl of chocolate pudding for a laugh. So even the most innocuous gesture will have an impact, be it skating lessons or three stooges humor. (I am happy to say that I am over my pudding-phobia. It was very short lived.)

So what do we do as parents? Knowing we are going to screw up doesn't give us carte blanche or let us off the ropes of our responsibility. What we do is understand that we do our best. We get over ourselves and our need to prove how good we are to other parents ("No, I have the happiest baby on the block!!") and we work to give our children what they truly need. I'm currently doing a training in an approach to therapy that focuses quite a bit on our early childhood experiences and how they shape us. Developmentally there are certain messages and experiences we need as children to feel safe and good about ourselves. These have become my guiding principles and they are in fact what we as parents need for ourselves too. (Being a good parent means also being a good parent to yourself , but that's a different post).

So from a book called Body, Self and Soul here are the "good mom" and "good dad" messages. The great thing is that anyone can give these to a child so they are simply "Good Parent" messages.

• I want you.
• I love you
• I'll take care of you.
• You can trust me.
• I'll be there for you
• It's not what you do, but who you are that I love.
• You are special to me.
• I love you, and I give you permission to be different from me.
• Sometimes I will tell you "no" and that's because I love you.
• My love will make you well.
• I see you and hear you.
• You can trust your inner voice.
• You don't have to be afraid anymore.
• I have confidence in you. I am sure you can do it.
• I will set limits and I will enforce them.
• If you fall down, I will pick you up.
• You are special to me, I am proud of you.
• You are beautiful and I give you permission to be a sexual being.And you get to choose who you love.
• I give you permission to be the same as I am AND the permission to be more than I am AND the permission to be less than I am.

Patience

Patience 

N. just celebrated his fourth birthday. Already he has been part of our family for two years and it's incredible the changes we have seen in him. In fact seeing him today and comparing him to two years ago it is like looking at two completely different boys. N. today is bright, intelligent, playful, meticulous, affectionate and his eyes shine with life. When he first came to us he was withdrawn, angry, isolated and you could sense that he wasn't behind his eyes. He had locked himself somewhere deep inside. He went through the motions of a hug, but you felt the ragdoll arms just going along with what you requested of him. Today he squeezes the breath out of me.

So... a lot changes with time. And this is where patience comes in. And hope. And love. And hard work. And commitment. But what we don't often hear about is the other side we don't want to admit. The doubt. And despair. And fear. Yes, these two years were filled with a lot of emotion to bring us to where we are now. 

Chosing to adopt a child through youth protection, you have very little illusions of what might await you. In fact, the social workers drum this into you before you even sign the foster parent agreement. And if you are at all like me, you've also read everything you can get your hands on about adopting children and all about THE word in the adoption field: Attachment. So based on what you have read, you are prepared to hold on for 6 months to a year for attachment to work its magic. You know the "tricks" that will help it along. But what you aren't ready for is how hard it can be as you wait. And how much you actually do while you wait. And how much you forget to be patient.

With our first son, K, he came from a very loving foster family experience. The house was filled with kids who adored him so we worked through the loss of his foster family as he transitioned, but he was very well primed for attachment. N., on the other hand spent a year in foster care where he was under-stimulated. His basic needs were met, but the "extra" was missing. 

As we worked to engage with him the first few months, we noticed things that troubled us. The first was that he didn't grieve his foster family. Or at least, not in the way K. had done. There were no tears, tantrums or any signs of upset at all. The first night he slept over (which we were primed for after K.'s hysterics) he just said, "good night" and rolled over. No tears, no asking for foster family. At bath time he wouldn't sit in the water. He stood up with his arms raised as if ready for just a quick scrub. At the park, I needed to show him what to do. As for hugs, the rag doll was what we got. 

We knew we were dealing with a child who hadn't been sufficiently stimulated, but as time went on we wondered what else might be going on. Knowing a bit of his mother's past there was a suspicion of fetal alcohol syndrome, though he didn't exhibit any physical signs at birth. As time went on and there were no real improvements, a continued lack of empathy, no improvement in his speech, continued aggression, we wondered if he might be autistic. Every little sign and symptom was read into. He walked on his tip toes, he didn't like to be held, physical stimulation bothered him, he displayed rigid, compulsive behaviours. 

As we brought these up to the social workers, new information about him and his development was discussed with us that confirmed our worries. We felt that this had been held back from us so that he would be placed. Our trust in our workers was shattered and they weren't able to give us any concrete help. 

N. was violent at times with K. Hitting, spitting and biting. He wouldn't answer when we called him. He would be sullen and withdrawn. At the dinner table it felt like there was the three of us and him.

We wondered if we had made a mistake.

This was really hard to admit and also part of the reason why I didn't write much about his transition to our family. I couldn't light-heartedly joke and write about what was happening. I just felt a sense of dread and fear of what our family was to become. 

Given that we didn't feel our social workers were much help, we reached out other ways. We spoke to our pediatrician. I got a session booked with a psychologist to look at what might be going on. We fought to have N. assessed for autism or other developmental delays. What came up was a severe lack of stimulation and significant speech delay. But in the light of little development despite our attempts, we still wondered what to do.

Truth be told, I had to do a lot of work on myself to be a good dad to him in this time. I had to work on the hurt of giving as much love as I could only to be rejected and having it thrown back in my face. I was starting to lose my empathy for him and this scared me. We were almost a year in the process and though we were still moving towards adoption, we had second thoughts: maybe we weren't the right family for him.

In one critical therapy session I actually got to the point where I verbalized this clearly and took in the implications of what this meant. I had to get over the guilt and shame of feeling this to actually have this truth out in the open. And having said it, I saw what I would need to do. I felt horrible, but at peace in a strange way. I finally had admitted to myself that I was not able to love this child the way I thought he needed. I was ready to let the workers know that we would work to find a better fit for him. But as I left the therapist's office and started my way home, I imagined what the house would be like without him. And I couldn't.  

The brief relief of thinking he would be in a better family was replaced with a sense of loss. And a better understanding of the pain he had been through. The reason why it was dangerous for him to love, and why he needed to reject my love to stay safe. I saw how I was imposing my love on him and working hard to get him to conform to my idea of family. In the hopes of forcing attachment, I wasn't letting him be. 

So I shifted. Internally, a new place formed where I could accept who he was and what he was living with. My love for him changed to no longer work to compensate what he lacked, but to just be present with him and to wait. I resolved to be patient. 

That very day as I walked in the door was the first time he ran into my arms to greet me.

From that day on, he would approach me. I quietly let him get to know me. His fingers would tentatively stroke my face, he'd look into my eyes with questioning. I simply would remain with him. I no longer tried to force the attachment by doing things for him and have him learn to depend on me. I let him try things on his own until he got frustrated and he'd ask me for help. I simply stopped trying so hard and let things unfold.

It seemed to work... today I can say it worked wonderfully.

He is now a secure little boy, filled with wonder at the world and quick to laugh and smile. He sings the alphabet and counts the steps on the way to daycare. He hugs his friends (when they don't try to take away his toys) and is loving. He trusts adults again and feels safe to be in the world.

So yes, hard work and time made this happen. And yes, we did fall into the "time delay" I had read about in those attachment books. But I had lost hope and patience. And a year to work on attachment is one thing to read, but when filled with endless minutes of heartache is difficult to bear. So I write this for other adoptive parents who might be feeling lost and overwhelmed and afraid to admit this to themselves. On the other side of all that pain, dread and hopelessness is family. Hold on, be patient, and get support. There is a child in there that will astonish you.

Courage

 Something I’ve heard often when I’ve shared with people that I’ve adopted children through youth protection services is how “courageous” I am. To be honest, it’s something that doesn’t sit well with me. I don’t take it as a compliment, though they mean it as one. I’ll tell them that it’s not courage that led me to adopt a child. In fact, as a gay man, adopting with youth protection is the only option available to me unless I’m willing to lie in order to adopt internationally or spend thousands of dollars on a surrogate (Elton John or NPH I am not) . So not much courage there, just a loss of other avenues. 

But they’ll go on and insist that I am indeed courageous. That it must not be easy to love someone else’s child, that the fear of losing them if their parents came back would be too much for them, etc. At this point I’ll mumble an uncomfortable thanks just to end the conversation. 

I’ve turned this over in my head many times as I keep hearing this word to describe my choice to adopt and the same malaise comes over me. Why? What could be so wrong with hearing that my choice to adopt is seen as a courageous one? Why can’t I swallow the compliment?

One day it finally came to me. The reason why people think it’s courageous to adopt is because they are afraid to open their hearts and homes to a child from youth protection, but why? Having done so myself (twice) I don’t see the fear involved. I see the joy that comes from building a family. Yes, the difficulties that come with working on attachment are there, but they’ll be there for any family. So why this situation in particular? 

The problem, I finally realized, is that people are afraid of the children themselves. And this is what is hurtful to me when I hear them talk about courage. What I hear is how afraid they are of the children I have taken into my life. How they would never be able to do so themselves and my mind goes to how many children the system will continue to fail and not place into permanent, loving homes due to this fear. And this is all based on ignorance and misinformation.

Of course, there’s tons of misinformation about adoption in general out there. When I tell people my two sons are adopted they ask what country they are from. I tell them they are from Montreal. They are incredulous. “I didn’t know you can adopt from here.” They kind of light up as they say this, thinking of themselves or other couples they know looking to adopt. “Yes,” I say, “through youth protection”. “Oh.” And that light in their eyes diminishes. 

In Dan Savage’s book “The Kid” which recounts he and his partner’s ordeals in becoming gay fathers he explains how he opted out of adopting from youth protection as he termed these children as “damaged goods”. 

Damaged goods. Good God, these are children we are referring to who have been failed by parents unwilling or unable to step in and take responsibility for providing a safe, nurturing home for them. Children who long for someone to care for them and are hurt and hurting and wounded. Children who continue to hope and yes, eventually lose that hope after too many adults have failed them. But what is truly damaged here? 

And in this mindset of damaged goods children who are somehow too tarnished to love, beliefs are created about how damaging, violent, aggressive, etc. they are. These beliefs create the need for courage in order to adopt them. These beliefs fuel the questions to me such as “if it doesn’t work out, can you send him back?”

“Shit, no, I lost the receipt.” 

And so it hurts me to hear that my choice to love my children is courageous. What I hear is your ignorance and inability to see beyond your limited belief. I hear you say things like how lucky I am that it worked out. That my children are lucky to have me. I’m seen as some form of saint. 

I’m not. I’m just a gay man who wants a family. And maybe because I had to overcome negative beliefs about being homosexual I’m more practiced at seeing through how hurtful and how false negative beliefs can be. I’m willing to challenge them.

What I am working up to here is a call to greater awareness. A call to overcome fear in order to respond to the needs of children living here, right here in our community who need homes. Maybe believing these children to be monsters helps the guilt for failing them? That it’s too late anyway?

Don’t let it be.

The Mom conversation...

So K. is in Kindergarten now and each child has their own week to do a glorified show and tell about their life, their family, toys, clothes, favorites, etc. Parents are also asked to come in to do a 10 minute presentation in class. Up to this point, kids in K.'s class don't know he has two dads. He will refer to a Papa and a Daddy, but as he is in French school, some kids think he's talking about the same person.

Leading up to the presentation, I had a talk with K.It's something I do from time to time as we talk about where he came from, how he came to us, and how most kids don't have 2 dads.

Me: You know, K, you'll be hearing about lots of different families in class.And ours is different from most of them.

K.: I know, I know.

Me: Cause first of all, the way you and N. came to our family is different.

K: Yeah, I was in a foster family and had lots of people in it and now I'm adopted.

Me: And you have 2 dads.

K: Yeah, and I hate that!

(Oh crap... this was bound to happen at some point, here comes the dreaded conversation).

Me: Oh, you don't like having 2 dads?

K: No, I love my family. (me: phew) It's just that I want a mom too.

Me: Ah, well, you know we have grandma and Aunt Lori who are there for you.

K: Well Aunt Lori is at home with Sarah and Andrew and she isn't here for me all the time.

Me: You're right, but some families don't have a mom at all.

K: Like Stephano, his mom died cause she exercised too much and her heart stopped and now she's a star.

(The conversation then diverged into more metaphysical fare, about how people die and become stars, but I picked up on it later)

Me: so you know K, Daddy does a lot of the things a mom does.

K: yeah, I now. But I still want a mom.

Me: Well, some moms don't do the things I do, not all moms give hugs or make lunches or all the other stuff I do to take care of you.

K: I know... but I still want a mom.

(I let it go at this point, but instead of feeling the horrible sense that I was depriving him of something, I realized he was saying it in the same way that he told us that he wanted a second dog. It's nice to wish for, but not very likely to happen. And I'm sure Stephano wished he could have his mom too. So as I got over any residual guilt over depriving him of a mother he then went on later to test me by pushing the "mom button".)

Scene: K. opening a kitchen drawer and pulling out a pizza cutter.

Me: K: put that down, you're going to hurt yourself.

K: A mom would let me use this.

Me. bwa-ha-haahahhahahahahahahahahahah! um, no.

Scene: breakfast time, K reaching for candy.

Me: K., you're not having candy for breakfast.

K. A mom would let me eat candy.

Me: bwa-ha-haahahhahahahahahahahahahah! um, no.

He is now completely disarmed. Because in his world, the mythical mother is a fairy granting every 5 year old wish his little mind can come up with. But I had a mom... I know the reality. She's the one who threatens to bring out the fly swatter when you get out of hand. (Thanks Mom!).

In Transit

So, we're into day 4 of the transition plan. The educator who is assigned to us has a 2 week plan of different activities we need to accomplish before N. comes to live with us full-time. Things like getting him dressed (check), changing his diaper (check), feeding him (check) and napping at our place (check). We still need to give him a bath and do errands with him. His worker will also come over and talk to him about his move, show him his bedroom and so on. As it stands, the official move in date is Sept 28th, but they will adapt it based on how N. is doing.

Last Friday the two boys met each other and all went well. N. greeted us at the door with the toy that Greg and I had used to play with him the day before. So he remembered us - good sign. Then we all went for a walk to McDonald's for some ice cream. He was fine being out with us and was happy to have K. to point out things like street lights and hubcaps to. (brought me back to when I took K. to the biodome and he was more interested in the airvents than the animals). They boys shared a sweet hug to say goodbye to each other and that was the end of the visit. It was hard for K. to understand that N. was not coming back with us right away.

(N. going for a walk with K., Papa and Daddy. N.'s face needs to be concealed for confidentiality reasons)

The weekend had no visits, but we kept talking to K. about N. and worked to finalize his room. I told K. that when N. comes, he will need a lot of love and hugs (and K. added, "and a lot of diapers!"). Yes, K. has his priorities right!

On Monday I brought our dog over for a quick visit as N. hasn't interacted with a dog before. The plan was to go for a walk together. The only problem is that our dog is over 15 years old and now has hip problems. We walked 2 steps and she'd flop down. However, this gave N. an opportunity to use his voice (the social workers say he has a speech delay, I say he's just 2)... so he would yell at Phobe, "come on!". Unfortunately, Phoebe is now deaf too. So instead of walking together, the interaction consisted mostly of belly rubs.

Yesterday (Tuesday), I picked up N. and he spent the morning and afternoon at home with me. He was thrilled to see the cat and this is his new friend. He enjoyed exploring his new home and playing with all the toys that K. had left out for him. I can really see the difference between N. and K. when he was first placed. K. was 18 months old and needed us to sit with him for everything. N., being 2, is more independent. Also, his foster dad is in his late 60's and I don't think spends much time on the floor with N. So while our social worker visited, N. played happily on his own with his new trucks. But of course, it's much more fun when Daddy sits down to send the cars crashing into each other.

N. (similary to K.) is a good eater and is also very communicative about when he's hungry. He'll grab a bowl and show you it needs to be filled. So we had a good lunch together and then it was nap time. This was the only "iffy" moment of the day as he started to cry if I backed out of the room. Having been especially trained by K. on managing such interactions, I lay down beside him on another mattress (oh, did I mention that I have in-laws visiting while all this is going down? They are sharing N.'s room for the moment). He settled quickly after this and had a good nap. On waking up there was a little shout that I would translate as "where the f--- am I?" but as soon as he saw me, he was fine. We played a bit more and then it was back to foster home for supper.

Today the day will be similar except that tonight N. will join me to pick up K. at daycare and then we will drive him together to foster home. Meanwhile, daycare shared with me that K. is a little bit more rambunctious than usual (i.e., he's getting into trouble). They know about the transition and expect more of the same... but it'll take adjustment on all our parts.

In any case, things are underway!

The first meeting

So, it's over and we all survived (and now we're really excited for this 2 week transition to be over). We met N. and his picture didn't do him justice (of course how could it?). How can a picture capture the exuberence and innocent wonder of a 2 year old who is discovering his world and, though he doesn't have the words yet, is clearly saying,"hey, look at that... isn't it cool?!?" (Yes, that light fixture is cool, and so is the one next to it, and yes that first light fixture you indicated earlier is still cool).

So how can I describe N.? Well, take K. and reverse it. N. is dark haired and brown eyed to K.`s blond curls and blue eyes. He's an average 2 year old build whereas K. is ready to sign his NBA jr. contract. But, they both share the easy going, social and engaging personality and infectious laugh. Oh, one more difference though. Where K. would tantrum by shrieking like a banshee, N. just stamps his foot. He just stamps his foot. wow. Maybe N. can teach K. something! Oh, and N. sleeps 12 hours. He wakes up at 8:30. He wakes up at 8:30, no really... this is unheard of in our household. With K. around, I'm not sure how long that is going to last for though, but I can dream, can't I?

In any case, we were welcomed at the door by N. who was eager to show us his place. And we lucked out in that there were only 2 social workers observing the whole thing. We met N.'s foster parents (very nice folks) and we all crammed into the living room. Now if you aren't aware, social workers are kind of like psychiatrists in that you don't want to say or do the wrong thing in front of them because they read into everything you do. The good thing is that they can't have you committed. The bad thing is that they can really get in the way of you being able to adopt the child you just met and are falling in love with. So we tried to act natural, interested in N., but not too interested. Relaxed, but not too relaxed. Confident, but not too confident. You know, natural.

N. helped us out though, by being the centre of attention. He "wow-ed" through the photo album of our house,  his room, Kyson and the animals that we showed him. We played with some toys in his room and even got a quiet moment together. The social worker / educator encouraged us to make physical contact with him (but not too much) to see how he'd react. I'd say we did well as we scored big hugs when it was time to say goodbye.

So tomorrow (Friday) we do the same thing but with K. along for the ride. Needless to say, K. is thrilled... I'm sure he'll be wondering why it's taking so long for N. to come home with us. It'll be hard to come up with a satisfactory answer, cause now that we met N. and know he is in the world and will soon be ours, I don't want to have to wait either.

Daddy Diaries - Volume 2 - A new beginning (pre-meeting jitters)

So, it's September 15th and Greg and I are going on the most intense first date of our lives. Today's the day that we get to meet N. for the first time. However, unlike meeting K. which was a full-on blind date, we have had a chance to see N. in a photograph and yes, he is adorable.

So the initial stress of "is my baby going to be ugly?" is done. I mean come on, even you bio-parents go through this. And you at least have a rough idea of what your child will look like by smushing you and your partner's features together (results may vary). Being an adoptive parent adds another element of mystery.

But, that part is done with. We have a photograph and we have an address. So this afternoon we're off to meet N. at his current foster family's place. He's been there for the past year and from what we know, it's been a very loving experience for him. So this just adds to the knife twist in that we are now going to meet the people that we are going to take him away from. Oh, and did I mention that there will be at least 3 social workers watching at the same time? No pressure there, and sure to create the most natural environment for meeting your new child as possible.

Sigh.

From this meeting we then go on to 2 weeks of planned visits, nap times at our place, encounters with our pets and all leading up to a planned Sept 29th placement date with us. We've been reminded by the integration worker that the current plan is "tentative". So along with the pre-date jitters are all the "unknown" fears.

Oh yeah, did I mention that we're also bringing K. into the mix? He knows all about the new baby, which has quickly become "my baby". Even though N. is 2, it helps K. to see him as little so that he can take the big brother role. I just hope he's not too disappointed when he sees how tall N. is. Because as K. talks about "my little baby" he holds his thumb and index finger out and indicates a height of about 2 inches.

But the big brother role is one K. is ready to take on. He's already been schooling me on the rules of the house ("Daddy, don't talk with your mouth full" "Daddy, you left the light on"  <I get that from Greg too> and so on). So being able to boss a little one around will keep him busy.

K. has also graduated to a big boy bedroom sheet set and we're passing on his "baby" stuff to the little one. We've also been instructed to set aside some of K.'s toys that he decides the baby can't play with. So far the theory of this works. And I think it's the theory that K. is excited about. We'll see what happens when month 4 sets in and K. realizes that "my baby" also shares Papa and Daddy.

But, the fun for you guys is that you'll be able to read all about it. I'm sure I'll find a way to write about it that will keep you entertained.

And on that note, T minus 3 hours to the uber-date.... to be continued!

Daddy Diary 4 - A New Year (Jan 2008)

Hope your 2009 started off well and will continue to be a good year for all.

As for us, we had a great holiday season, though it flew by so fast it was hard to notice that it happened. By the time the 24th rolled by, our little family had begun to establish a few set routines so now the coffees aren't getting quite so cold in the morning and K. is able to play on his own for a bit without needing to be in either Papa or Daddy's arms quite so much. We're still getting the occasional tantrum, though fewer and further between than the first week he was with us. Although what we miss in quantity, K. makes up for in quality cause when he does finally melt down, it's an impressive carpet rolling shrieking stamping affair and one minute feels like 30.However, these don't last as long as they actually feel, so we're all getting better at dealing with frustration. He is also getting used to us setting the rules for him and though he does test them (especially at nap time) our consistency is winning out in the long run.

Going to sleep is still an issue, but as of yesterday Greg and I have graduated to sleeping in our own bedroom again. We're letting K. get used to falling asleep on his own and though there are nights where he puts up a mega fuss, he does settle. He has his routine of bedtime story, some songs and then once his head hits the pillow, the fireworks start. We now leave the room and stay close to put him back to bed once he gets up, but as of this point, the sight of Greg or me at his gate is enough to get him to crawl back to his pillow (screaming all the while) but as long as he stays in his bed, we're happy. The only thing we would like to change is his early morning wake up call. He's usually up at 5 or 5:30, so even though I'm officially "off", my workday is going to start pretty early. There are the days when after a change and a bottle he will sleep a bit more, but those are the rare luxury. But all in all, we're glad we've moved from having him fall asleep in our arms to having him kick it out on his bed (our backs are grateful).

As for Christmas, K. had a great time meeting the family and we now know he has expensive tastes. Greg made a great meal on the 24th and K. enjoyed eating smoked salmon, liver pate, roast beef and a chocolate covered chestnut christmas log dessert. He also loved the presents. At first seeing all the boxes nicely wrapped was one thing, but once he realized there were things in them and that many of them were for him (in his mind, they were all for him), he at least got to help everyone open their gifts and once he found out it was something boring for someone else he moved to the next box. So the tantrums we were expecting didn't happen after all. In fact, my family thinks that K. is so well behaved and such a sweet little guy. Heh. what an actor!

After the holidays were done, he got to play with all his nice new noisy toys. Unfortunately, K. has figured out which ones have volume control and has learned how to bring more ambiance into our lives. Just picture a singing lawnmower with a happy shrieking toddler behind it and you'll get the idea.

What has also kept our sanity intact is youtube. Thank-god for the Mickey mouse clubhouse, baby beethoven (crack for babies!), and sesame street clips. K. is now able to spend at least 10 minutes in front of the screen enraptured by dancing babies and songs so repetitive and sweet that you will never get them out of your head ever again. Feist does a great do-over of 1-2-3-4 on

Sesame Street

and I love Andrea Bocelli and Elmo singing Time to say goodnight. I've even started doing the dance moves for some songs (Toot-toot chugga chugga big red car by the wiggles is my new favourite!)

But, the big test is about to face me. Greg goes off to work tomorrow (poor guy/lucK. guy). He'll be on his 3 day work schedule so he'll be back with me on Thursday and Friday. However, Thursday is my spa day. Time to treat myself to a hair cut and a massage. So I'll be downtown in the afternoon to drop off a card for my work mates on Thursday (sorry, won't be free at lunch time, but will be around 3 or so).

I've also started to look into some activities I could get K. involved in. Swimming could be cool, at least he'd be lighter to carry in a pool. :-)

Anyway, that's the news for now. Thinking of all of you and wishing you the best for 2009.

Daddy Diary 3 - Week One with K. (Dec 2008)

So it's been one full week since the little guy joined our family full- time. Hard to believe it's only been 7 days, and I gotta tell you, not going in to work, it's easy to lose track of what day is what, cause weekends look pretty much like any other day right now. Gone are the days where Greg could sleep in till 10 or later, we're into 5 am bottle time and we're lucK. if he falls back asleep until 7. So Greg and I are doing shifts so that we can balance out the sleep deficit.K. was used to sleeping in the same room as foster mom and he is a fitful sleeper. He wakes up often in the night (could be the transition, could be from earlier when he might not have been cared for), so we moved a futon into the room so we can sleep on the floor and be close if he needs a reassuring presence. (better than sleeping in the same bed which we both did at first - ever sleep with a toddler?? He's all quiet and cuddly and then all of a sudden this arm comes flailing up to knock you in the head or a leg comes kicking and you gotta dodge fast!) So even though we're safe on the futon this still just translates into us sleeping in 20 minute shifts as again, each little noise could be the precursor to a huge wake-up cry (and those often last 45 minutes or so). So far this seems to be working out, but we will eventually ease out and be back in our own room. We don't want to make too many changes all at once and will slowly get him used to sleeping alone. The first few nights were really hard at bedtime, he would rage for an hour, but after some advice from foster mom and after developing our own routine, he settles down fairly well.We sing songs in his room and hope that he falls asleep before we do.Nap time is our next new challenge. Today we did a super nanny move and sat in his room and let him tantrum on his bed until he tired himself out. Then we were there to reassure him and he slept soundly.I've also got a timer on so that after lunch when he hears the beeps he knows nap time is coming. See, watching reality TV does teach you something!

Aside from that, last week K. had his first haircut which went really well. The salon only does kids and was empty at 10 am on Wednesday morning (go figure) and every chair was a car, he was thrilled and so were we. So now he looks more like a little man than a chia pet. We even got a certificate and a baggie with his first lock of hair as a keepsake.

The other thing we are getting to deal with now is regular toddler tantrums. He's not crying for mama as much and is happy to have us be there to comfort him, so the attachment aspect is going well. Now it's just the behavioral parts to manage. Last few days he would go into full Exorcist mode with head shaking, demon screaming and rolling in convulsions on the floor. What might set him off is us telling him he took too much food into his mouth, that the dog is not a squeeze toy or that looking like a wrinkled prune does mean that bath time is over. But we have seen some improvement. He is no longer rolling on the floor, but stamping his feet and then coming back to us for a hug right after. So we're working hard on keeping consistent limits and hope that these tantrums now pay off when he's 16 (they do, right Susan?)

As for eating, this kid is non-stop. We're filling him with as many fruits as we can but man, this kid eats! And that means the inevitable other process goes on as well. So Greg and I are pros in diaper duty and I have now learned that what is true for corn is also true for black olives (that one was for you Dilshad!).

Our house continues to look like hurricane Katrina ripped down a toys r us and a restaurant and laundromat in one shot. Thank god both of us are at home to manage things and get a handle before it completely takes over. I'm just anticipating what it's going to be when Greg goes back to work!

But we both feel lucky. to have this little guy in our lives. Spending the holidays with him will be a great gift.

Daddy Diary 1 - K.'s introduction (Dec 2008)

So as you all know, we're into transition week with K. and  everything has been neatly scheduled to allow us some time to get to know each other, learn his routines and have K. get ready for his move  to full-time living with us for Monday the 15th. All went according to  plan on Monday. We met at foster mom's place at around 10 am (with our  brand new car-seat <Thanks C&D!! ) so that we could go on an outing together. What better place to head for an outing but Angrignon mall!  Luckily he was more interested in the floor tiles than all the stuff  at Sears otherwise we might still be there. :-) The goal of our outing was to head to a pet store so that K. could get accustomed to the animals we have at our place. No worries there. All the puppies were sleeping, but K. encouraged their waking up with some taps on their glass dividers. (I think Phoebe (our dog) is going to be napping the same time as K.!) He also loved the fish and would have loved to dive in with the Koi in their giant pond. Luckily dad was there to provide a restraining arm (one that will get used, many, many times I think!)

We went to the food court next for a snack. He's really into the next age/size bracket cause it was next to impossible to fit him into the high chairs they had at the mall. K. preferred to sit on Greg and feed him french fries dipped in a lake of ketchup. Did I mention that Greg looooves Ketchup? <sarcasm  And the oscar goes to Greg, for the most believable "mmmmm!".> K. then decided that he wasn't all that hungry and thought that walking around the food court in circles would give Daddy Marc some much needed exercise. This became even more fun when K. began to wave at everyone and they waved back. How many laps did we do? All I know is that some of the faces became very familiar by the end of it.

Then it was time to head back home. At this point K. was happy to get  into his new stroller and get pushed back to the car. He was also happy to get home as K. has an aversion to 5 point restraints. This was just in time for nap time for foster mom to deal with the crankiness as Marc went home to busily clean and baby proof the house for Tuesday and for Greg to go to work.

And then Tuesday. Ah, wonderful snowy Tuesday. The plan was a 3pm-7pm visit with Foster Mom coming over to our house and leaving after an hour so that we could show him his new digs. The one hour visit with foster mom happened mostly on the Decarie autoroute. It was backed up from end to end. So K. was very happy to finally see his new place (even if it would have been a shack, all he cared about was getting out of that @##$ car seat.) Foster mom stayed for a bit and K. walked in circles (I sense a theme) and was thrilled with his new stuffed animals that actually moved (aka the pets). With all the stimulation he didn't notice the christmas tree too much yet. So far it's still standing.

I then drove foster mom to the metro while Greg continued the visit. Part of the tour was the bathroom where K. discovered the tub and a whole bunch of cool toys So when I got back from the drive, K. was ready to dive in. He puts on quite a water show and I think this will be his favourite time of the day. Then we got him all dried off and we were off to supper (ham and macaroni, yum... dads finished the left overs, brought us back to recipes from our youth). Then we were supposed to drive K. back home, but the Decarie was still jammed up. After 5 minutes in his car seat in a stationary car, we made an executive decision (and a ear-drum saving one) to head back home and we called foster mom and the appropriate authorities to okay his stay over night. Luckily Greg's work friends had bought some pj's so we got him dolled up and got him ready for bed. K.'s nighttime ritual involves lots of snuggling (which we love) and many big yawns in our ear, but for all that he fights sleep. So Daddy Marc got some more exercise walking 40 pounds of huggy-buggy K. in a circle until he was ready to lie down in his new bed. (Picture how a koala bear hugs on, and that's the right image). Of course Greg and I are already in love so the hugs just keep making it better. So aside from waking up around 11pm for some more snuggling (and a cleaner diaper) he went out for the night. Can't say the same for us. Each little grunt and sniffle kept pricking our ears up, so that Greg and I shared 2 hours of sleep altogether. But what a way to stay up, cuddled next to this snoring angel. We didn't miss the sleep one bit (until we had to actually function the next morning, heh).  

At 8:30 it was time to get up, breakfast and totter in circles around the kitchen island while being chased by Phoebe who was very interested in the piece of toast K. had in his hand. This is when the reality of how slow time can be when you are trying to think up of new ways to keep a todder occupied. (Yay, this new thing kept you busy for 30 seconds, now what?) But playing with blocks was fun, especially the dumping them out of the box and putting them back in to do it all over again. Then as the plan had originally been to keep K. for day, that got modified. After K.'s nap in the morning, we went back to foster mom. The transition back to her was a bit tough and he went straight back to us for more hugs before being okay to go back to his foster family. So all in all, the attaching with us seems to be going very well. He has no problem coming to us for comfort. That'll be a different story once he realizes that foster mom won't be around, but after our first night together (and many emotions) we now have a taste of some of the ups and downs we'll have at the beginning. All the rest will be regular toddler craziness

 So there you have the last few days. I'm learning quick though. I now know that coffees get cold quickly when you forget them cause you're chasing a little guy around. Also, don't bother making yourself a lunch, cause you're just going to eat his leftovers anyway. And finally, yes, you will do gross things when it is your own kid. ;-)

  More news to come! And thanks again for all your warm words of welcome for K. and all your support.
 

The (Gay) Daddy Diaries - uploaded

Hi Everyone,

For those of you who were fortunate enough to be part of my select e-mail list, you'll remember that back in 2008 I documented the journey of K. into our family. Well, 3 years later, with a bit more wisdom (and more grey hair), Greg and I are beginning the process once again in welcoming a new son to our family.

For those new to this blog, some quick background information. Greg and I are a happily married, gay couple living in Montreal. We've been together 5 years now and for the past 3 years we've been dads to a beautiful boy (K.) whom we have now officially adopted through Batshaw (Montreal's English division of Youth Protection Services). In Quebec we have something called the mixed-bank (foster-to-adopt) program. These children are already placed in foster care, but Batshaw is seeking permanent homes for them with the intent that they may eventually become adoptable. Increasingly many gay and lesbian couples are participating in the mixed-bank program and are actually being sought out as resources. For more information check out the Coalition des Familles Homoparentales (http://www.familleshomoparentales.org/)

We had always thought of having two children and after being on the list with Batshaw for about a year, a match has been made and we are about to transition N. into our family. So K. (who is now 4) and N. (who is 2) will grow into being brothers and Greg and I will become dads to the second degree.

When K. joined us, I took the parental leave and I documented my discoveries through what I called the Daddy Diaries. What began as a way to preserve my sanity by laughing about my parental neuroses while K. was napping, soon became my family's favorite reading material and made other parents in my circle snicker.

So as I am about to embark on another journey, I figured I'd dust off those old Daddy Diaries, post them here and pick up with volume 2. All in all 8 entries were written and then I went back to work and I stopped as the rythm of working life took over again. Rereading them I'm brought back to the joys and pains we experienced transitioning K. into our family. For any of you who have adopted, you'll know what I mean.

So the next entries will date back to 2008 and early 2009, but keep an eye out for upcoming news. Greg and I meet N. for the first time tomorrow and K. will meet him the day after. From there we're on a 2 week schedule of visits until N. is placed with us officially.

Wish us luck!