The Mom conversation...

So K. is in Kindergarten now and each child has their own week to do a glorified show and tell about their life, their family, toys, clothes, favorites, etc. Parents are also asked to come in to do a 10 minute presentation in class. Up to this point, kids in K.'s class don't know he has two dads. He will refer to a Papa and a Daddy, but as he is in French school, some kids think he's talking about the same person.

Leading up to the presentation, I had a talk with K.It's something I do from time to time as we talk about where he came from, how he came to us, and how most kids don't have 2 dads.

Me: You know, K, you'll be hearing about lots of different families in class.And ours is different from most of them.

K.: I know, I know.

Me: Cause first of all, the way you and N. came to our family is different.

K: Yeah, I was in a foster family and had lots of people in it and now I'm adopted.

Me: And you have 2 dads.

K: Yeah, and I hate that!

(Oh crap... this was bound to happen at some point, here comes the dreaded conversation).

Me: Oh, you don't like having 2 dads?

K: No, I love my family. (me: phew) It's just that I want a mom too.

Me: Ah, well, you know we have grandma and Aunt Lori who are there for you.

K: Well Aunt Lori is at home with Sarah and Andrew and she isn't here for me all the time.

Me: You're right, but some families don't have a mom at all.

K: Like Stephano, his mom died cause she exercised too much and her heart stopped and now she's a star.

(The conversation then diverged into more metaphysical fare, about how people die and become stars, but I picked up on it later)

Me: so you know K, Daddy does a lot of the things a mom does.

K: yeah, I now. But I still want a mom.

Me: Well, some moms don't do the things I do, not all moms give hugs or make lunches or all the other stuff I do to take care of you.

K: I know... but I still want a mom.

(I let it go at this point, but instead of feeling the horrible sense that I was depriving him of something, I realized he was saying it in the same way that he told us that he wanted a second dog. It's nice to wish for, but not very likely to happen. And I'm sure Stephano wished he could have his mom too. So as I got over any residual guilt over depriving him of a mother he then went on later to test me by pushing the "mom button".)

Scene: K. opening a kitchen drawer and pulling out a pizza cutter.

Me: K: put that down, you're going to hurt yourself.

K: A mom would let me use this.

Me. bwa-ha-haahahhahahahahahahahahahah! um, no.

Scene: breakfast time, K reaching for candy.

Me: K., you're not having candy for breakfast.

K. A mom would let me eat candy.

Me: bwa-ha-haahahhahahahahahahahahahah! um, no.

He is now completely disarmed. Because in his world, the mythical mother is a fairy granting every 5 year old wish his little mind can come up with. But I had a mom... I know the reality. She's the one who threatens to bring out the fly swatter when you get out of hand. (Thanks Mom!).

Time flies....

So once again, I've been too caught up in the art (heh) of parenting to take time to document how things unfolded with the transition of N. into our family. I've been back at work since May and we're dealing with the daily grind of early morning daycare and kindergarten drop-offs and the 5 pm rush back home to pick everyone up in time for supper, baths and bedtime routines (and then the one hour of time off before it all starts over again)..

I have to say that we are now well into being a family. But the process this time was a tough one, and that also contributed to me not writing how things unfolded. To be honest, there were moments where I wondered if we had made the right decision and I was confronted directly with the difficulties and heartache of integrating a child from youth protection services. I didn't feel like the best parent and it was hard to be in a light-hearted mood to write about our experiences.

Over a year later, a lot has shifted. Patience, love and hell of a lot of work has gotten us to the point where N. is fully integrated and is a bright and open 3 year old, ready to give and share love in a family. We've also recently become his legal guardians and in 3 months will be in front of a judge for the final adoption decision to be rendered.

So I am ready to look back and share some experiences and insights gained along the way. I've also noticed on the blog that despite not having written, people are still viewing it. It's gotten hits from Berlin and Barcelona, so maybe it's worth not letting this fade away.

My thought was to not do a journal but some articles touching on aspects that gay parents deal with in adoption. The biggest piece will be on attachment and working with kids from the youth protection sector, then there will be one on social workers and how to deal with them. This time around we had the joy of being "represented" by 5 different workers in the span of a year. We're also beginning to field questions from our 5 year old about how our family is different... him being in school now is bringing up his sense of how our family is unique.

Hopefully sharing some of this will help other families going through the adoption process and to make things a bit more transparent as to how we managed it. People see the smiling boys we have now and we are told how lucky they are to have us. The truth is we feel lucky, because of them, we are a family.